How I sanctified my relationship

Between deadlines, school runs and always “What’s for dinner?” Chatting, even the best relationships can start running on autopilot.

This does not mean that the spark is gone or that you have stopped loving your partner, but rather that life has gotten in the way.

The writer Nell Frizzell also knows it all – after 10 years with her partner and two children, she admits that she does not have as much time or energy for her husband as she did before.

“I know we’re told to focus on quality time, physical touch and looking into each other’s eyes lovingly but I’m yelling at my husband to turn off the eggs.”

Frizzell said he was at a “crunch toint” in his life.

His time, body and attention are pulled in every direction – he raises children, takes care of elderly parents, runs the house and works all the time.

“And inside of all that, where do you have time to look someone in the eyes and say you’re beautiful?” he asked.

But Frizell knows something that helps keep her relationship connected – something she calls a “third energy”.

NOT in the bedroom, he laughed, but at the dinner table.

“When we go, we go with another family and when we go to dinner, I like to have friends there,” she explained.

It’s a surprisingly simple idea — but Frizzell says having a couple, the friends or family who work with real people who naturally change the dynamic changes the dynamic people.

He said sometimes a so-called Date Night “where you sit across the table with the person you live with and try to have a new conversation or a new perspective.

Frizzell says: “I see him impressing our people that we don’t see all the time as they ask him things that I wouldn’t tell him.”

Psychotheaprapist Susanna Abse says that a little space and variety can be essential in a successful relationship.

“Couples may end up acting on each other but avoiding real contact,” he said.

Really noticing your partner can make a big difference.

“Instead of coming downstairs in the morning and continuing with a million chores around the house, see what your spouse has to say.”

Abse recommends asking them questions like how they feel or how their day looks like “curiosity is the key”.

Psychological psychologist Dr amani Milligan says that spending quality time is also important.

That does not mean a great gesture and DR Milligan that it can be as simple as a random Thursday to get together or no phones before going to bed for days.

Relationships can come with endless distractions from emails and notifications on your phone to endless piles of laundry or dishes that need to be sorted.

Abse says electronic devices can make couples more distant.

“Protest if your spouse is on their phone all the time and set some rules you can agree on.”

It’s almost impossible to talk about keeping love alive without mentioning physical intimacy and Frizzell swears by scheduling it.

“It might feel administrative to say ‘this is when we have sex’ but with young children, it’s absolutely key and it’s something to be expected.”

Abse agrees with that practical approach and says if you don’t have sex “you have to recognize the danger of that” If you are unhappy with “activities often come from unsatisfied needs”.

If we are in a period of poverty or abundance, sex can be one of the first things to go but Abse says that you must be attracted “Allow yourself to be attracted”.

“You can’t fall asleep feeling sexual but maybe with your partner’s attention that can change.”

Focusing on each other and seeing his partner again improve Frizzell’s relationship.

The last lesson he learns is that it is important to maintain a little mystery from each other.

“Close the bathroom door and there’s a bit of separation – by all means there’s a joint project but that doesn’t have to go to the loo,” he laughs.